Just stuff.

I can hear the windchimes outside today. They haven't stopped singing all day. I like it.

I'm feeling a lot better, which is good since I've about had my fill of orange juice. I got my assignment in for HSAO, and I'm helping Maddy work on getting caught up. I'm glad she's joining the class. I joined partly so I could meet new people who are interested in learning too, but it would be nice to have someone I know there. I don't know how some people find it so easy to make friends. I don't really have any idea how to do it.

But Maddy's going to join the class, and that'll be good because we can talk about the reading assignments and stuff. Assignment 3 was sort of easy and sort of hard both at the same time. I liked it because it was an interesting thing to think about, but my answer didn't feel particularly interesting or anything. I don't think I brought anything new to the table. That's not the right phrase, but I can't think of the one I want.

I want to put my vlog back up and maybe make a new one. It takes so long to upload them, though, and I get really self conscious seeing myself on the screen. And also I was watching Daniel's vlog yesterday, and I guess someone is following him and taking pictures of him. It creeped me out a little bit. But it's not like I'm following around somebody at secretive religious ceremonies or anything, so I'm probably safe. Ha ha. I hope Bree and Daniel are both okay, though. The whole situation is kind of scary.

I should go see what there is in the kitchen to make for dinner.

HSAO Orientation - Midterm Assessment

I got my midterm assessment comments from Ms. Kelly. :)

She said:

Violet- I am still drawn to your weather metaphor. Yes, you can be a calm lake; however, there is so much life under the surface. I hope to continue learning about your depths.

HSAO Orientation - Assignment 3

Assignment Three

What do you love and why?

I looked around on the internet to to find some different definitions of "love," and I found this description of a certain kind of love, "agape," on Wikipedia:

Agape - the term was used by the early Christians (Greek to be specific, as the word is of Greek origin) to refer to an unconditional acceptance, favour and affinity toward a person. It is a love that is based on a decision instead of a feeling.

I like that description, and it seems the most fitting for how I love certain people, so I will use that definition for my answer.

I think the biggest examples of love in my life are my dad and my cousin Maddy. My dad and I became a lot closer after my mom died, because it was just the two of us. He travels a lot for work, but when he's home he's really good about making sure we get to spend time together and stuff. He's been all over the world, so he knows all sorts of oddball stuff and has all kinds of stories. It's been kind of hard for him because we stayed here after Mom died, and he doesn't really get along with my mom's family. But he wanted us to stay here so I could grow up with family around and everything. Which I'm really glad of, and which brings me to the other person I mentioned, my cousin Maddy! She should be showing up around here soon, I think, to join the orientation.

Anyway, Maddy's my cousin, and also my best friend. We've been really close for a long time. She's pretty awesome. She's really smart, has occasionally bizarre taste in movies, and, I'm told, currently has possession of halloween themed ice cream sandwiches.

HSAO Orientation - Assignment 2

I meant to post this here when I turned it in, but I forgot. I'll edit Ms. Kelly's comments in later if she gives any.

* * * * *

Assignment Two:

You should reply to this message with a post that contains the following:

1. Please list at least five of your own favorite titles (literature or film) that explore reality.
Once you have your list, write a brief statement about what these titles say about you.
Your statement must be at least a three-sentence paragraph, but it certainly can be as long as you like.

Books:
The Oz books, by L. Frank Baum
A Little Princess, by Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Secret Garden, by Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Harry Potter books, by J. K. Rowling
The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster
The Mrs. Piggle Wiggle books, by Betty MacDonald

Movies:
Finding Neverland
The Village

My list points out that I like children's literature! I do, a lot, actually. Books written for children feel better to me. They are nicer stories, and they more often have happy endings.

My list also indicates that I like stories where people are transported or pretended to other places that other people don't believe exist, and that are often protected by that, or by secrecy, so that not everyone can get there. That makes them special, and safe. They're often magical places, too.

The Village is probably the least like the other titles on my list, because there are some scarier parts of it. I like it, though, because the community in it seems like a really nice place to live. There are secrets, but they are the kind that are meant to be kept for the good of everyone who lives there. The secrets, and the keeping of them, keeps the people there safe from the outside world where bad things happen.

Another movie that is about reality is A Beautiful Mind. I didn't put it on my list, though, because I didn't really like it. I watched it with my cousin, and she really liked it. I didn't like the idea of not being able to tell what was real and what wasn't, though, especially when some of the things were pretty creepy. That kind of stuff scares me a little bit. I don't like bad and scary stuff, and I don't like the idea that there can be bad and scary stuff that doesn't really exist and so shouldn't really scare you, but does anyway because you don't know it's not real.


2. In addition, discuss the following question with those you trust, then form a statement of your answer:
Is the concept of “maternal instinct” based in reality, or is it a myth that we perpetuate and wish upon species, especially humans?

See:
Drs.
Douglas W. Mock
Elyse Rubenstein
Sarah Blaffer Hrdy
Sandra Wheatley

(Note: This is not to dismiss or deny the role of fathers -paternal instinct- or the importance of a pair of parents -parental instinct- in the lives of children. There is far more research about, expectations of and information on maternal instinct than on paternal instinct or parental instinct.)

What is your answer?

The information I read about maternal instinct seemed to vary. I found the research of Dr. Mock to be very unsettling. Animal mothers are so often portrayed as perfectly protective, supportive, and nurturing mothers that it was disturbing to read how harsh they can really be.

The research and opinions of all the doctors that I read about seems to point to the things that most people say indicate "maternal instinct" as being learned. I think that's true, but I also think that it is partly choice, too. In the article I read about Dr. Mock's research, animal mothers would sometimes choose one offspring over another. In humans, mothers sometimes abuse or neglect their children, even though it seems to be common knowledge how a mother "should" be. So I think it is partly that mothers learn to be maternal, and choose to act maternal. Outside influences can affect the choices a mother makes, but nobody makes her make them. Sometimes mothers just choose not to be motherly, anymore or at all, for no good reason. I don't know why a mom who was previously very maternal would stop, but it happens.

Maternal instinct

I didn't like this last assignment for HSAO as much. Maybe it was partly because I waited so long to do it. I could blame it on my internet being spotty, but I'd already printed the assignment out so I could read it better, so I could have figured something out probably.

I don't know. I guess it's just not something that I want to study. I don't know why sometimes mothers do things that aren't motherly. They just do. Why bother trying to figure out something that can't be figured out? You can say it's hormones or temporary insanity, but that still doesn't make it better. It's still awful.

I shouldn't have put this off so long. I can't get my answer right and I wish it were done already so I don't have to try to explain it anymore.

Signs and orange juice

The internet doesn't seem to like me much. It's only been connecting sometimes, and this morning I accidentally deleted my first vlog from Revver when I was trying to upload a second one. Maybe it's a sign. "VIOLET! CEASE ATTEMPTS AT ESTABLISHING AN ONLINE PRESENCE IMMEDIATELY!" Could be.

I'm too tired to fight it, anyhow. I'm not feeling very well. Just sort of generally achey and sleepy. I've been drinking lots of orange juice. Maybe that will help. Mostly I just want to sleep, though.

All by myselllllf, don't wanna be...

I'm so sleepy tonight. I think I could have gone to bed right after dinner and been perfectly content to sleep through the night. It's too quiet around here tonight, though, and it makes me not want to go to bed. Like if I stay up long enough, maybe someone will come. I wish Maddy could have come over. I forgot that Dad would be gone.

I'm trying to spend my self-imposed insomnia wisely, at least, and work on the second assignment for HSAO. I'm not getting very far, though. It's hard to conjure up into a list the books and movies I've read/seen that have to do with reality, somehow. Maybe it's just that I'm sleepy. Maybe I'll be better at it tomorrow.

The house is SO QUIET. I hate it. If I turn up the stereo, I start to wonder what I might not be hearing that might be there. If I don't have it on, it's that awful silence, and I imagine every small sound is something scary.

The only people keeping me company tonight are people online, and they don't even know I exist. Bree and Daniel both made vlogs today, and that Lyn girl updated hers, too. And the one called Bea. It doesn't sound like anyone's having a really great day. And some of the things people are blogging/vlogging about... I don't know. All put together with the empty house, I'm feeling really uneasy. I guess I'm a scaredycat.

Bree's ceremony is tomorrow, which is exciting for her. If it were me, I'd be awfully nervous if I didn't know what was going to happen, especially if I'd done so much in preparation of it. She seems very comfortable about it, though, which is good I guess, since she's the one doing it! On the next-to-zero chance that you ever see this, Bree: Good luck! I hope it goes really well. :)

Daniel's still doing the research thing, which I still think is a really good idea. I still don't really understand how Bree can say that Daniel's friendship was all a lie, but I guess I wasn't there for the argument, so... It's none of my business, though. And I'm only talking about it because... I don't know. Because if I'm writing in here, then I'm not thinking as much about the wind making things rattle against the windows.

I kind of want to make another vlog, but... I don't know. I feel sort of silly doing it. I don't really have anything to talk about.

...kind of like here, actually. I think I might be too boring for blogging.

I hate being here by myself.

HSAO Orientation - Assignment 1

I just posted my answers for the assignment that's due tomorrow (today, I guess... eep, I'm up late) on the class notebook, and I thought I'd post them here as well. I don't know that anyone else would be interested in them, but I'd like to have them somewhere for my own record.

I'll put all that at the end of this entry.

I'm really enjoying the reading I'm doing for the orientation. Some of the things I'm reading feel challenging, but in a very good way. If I focus and am patient with myself, the language becomes clearer and I begin to understand and piece it together. I found the stuff about phenomenological reality, truth, fact, and axiom very interesting, once I began to understand it. It's something I can apply to a lot of things in my life.

This came from an article I was reading on the subject:

Most of the cultural conflict in the world occurs when certain individuals or groups try to impose their phenomenological realities or truths on other people or communities.

I think that might be true.

Anyway, here's the assignment and my response to it. I feel pretty silly about my answers to 3 and 4; they didn't seem particularly "alive" to me. Just kind of dorky. But I did try to make them the sort of thing Ms. Kelly was looking for.

* * *

1. List the four terms in any order you like.
- Phenomenological reality
- Truth
- Fact
- Axiom

The reading for this assignment made me think of Don Quixote. He made his phenomenological reality into a truth in a way, I think, if I've understood things correctly.

2. Include at least one sentence describing something you learned this week (from your studies here or in other places).
I'm still reading a lot about the Knights Templar, though a little more slowly now that I'm working on HSA orientation as well. I learned about Robert the Bruce, and about King Philippe IV, and how they affected the Templars.

Actually, a lot of the stuff I've learned this week about the four levels of reality can be applied to the history of the Knights Templar. For instance, Philippe's grudge against the Templar was partly due to the fact that he believed they posed a danger to him/his kingdom. Regardless of whether that was reality or not, it was his phenomenological reality. It might even have been truth. His greed played into it, too - the Templar were rumored to guard a great treasure, and his funds were very low. I think that would count as truth at least, because a lot of people believed (and still believe) that. Whether it could be termed fact or not, I'm not sure. I don't have sufficient information to call it fact, and my reading makes it sound like noone does.


3. Write a sentence describing yourself using three adjectives.
(Here is a boring example: I am nice, sweet and kind -make yours come alive) .

I am thoughtful, quiet, and interested.

4. Describe yourself using a metaphor that compares you to the weather.
(Here is a boring example: I am a sunny day -make yours a vivid reflection).

I am a quiet, calm lake, on the pleasantly warm day when the rain comes down in droplets to make the lake's surface splash up, regardless of the still-present sunshine.

* * *

Edited to include Ms. Kelly's comments:

Interesting that you thought of Don Quixote and his views of reality. I agree that he believed his reality was a truth, although we, the readers, saw a different truth in his life and actions.

I am glad you were able to apply your learning to a topic in which you are obviously interested.

Lovely metaphor.

Jac

Goodbye, Frank

There's a post on Frank's blog today, but not from Frank. From his wife. Frank has "passed away." I'm not sure whether that means suicide or something happened medically, and I guess that's none of my business. But I'm sad for Frank. I hope he has some peace now.

Yuck

Today's been kind of yuck, so I'll talk about what I'm reading instead.

I've been reading about the Templar some more, and now the book is talking about the Grail Romances and old Celtic versions of them, and the Templar along with both. I don't understand the fascination with the stories about the Grail. If something's meant to be hidden, maybe you shouldn't try to find it. And maybe it never existed the way you thought it did anyway. Maybe it was something completely different. Maybe it was just a big metal head with somebody's skull in it.

I should go do my philosophy reading.

Tadaaaa! My first vlog!

Study up, students!

Today I registered for home study through something called Homeschoolers Aggregate. It looks really interesting. I'm looking forward to being able to discuss some of the things I'm learning with other people who are in the same course. It's nice to read on my own, and follow my own interests, but I think sometimes that maybe I miss some interesting and useful facets of topics because I don't have anyone to talk it all over with and ask questions of.

I should see if I can talk Maddy into getting a blog. It's kind of weird talking to everyone but really talking to myself.

The Knights Templar

I've been reading a lot about the Knights Templar in the last day or two. The history, even with its holes (maybe because of them), is really interesting. Last night I was reading about Philippe's campaign against them, and I was thinking about how people tend to assume the worst of mysteries. And then the stories build up one on top of another until the truth is obscured and maybe lost.

Is it human nature to imagine the worst and make it true? Words make so much more sense than people do.

I think I'll go read again a while.

For Frank

I'm not sure whether it's good internet manners to leave big long rambling notes on someone's blog, so since I'm reading about a lot of stuff to try to find something that might be useful for someone in particular, and since my mind tends to wander a lot, I thought I'd keep my notes here, and then just link to them in my comment. It's easier for me to keep organised that way, anyway.

Anyway, if you found your way here, Frank, hi! I hope maybe something in here is helpful. You've sounded kind of down in your blog entries, which I can understand. I hate feeling confused, and feeling lost, and not knowing what was going on would make me feel that way.

I'm going to put a quick summary at the end, so you don't have to read through all of this if you're too tired. :) Mostly I just needed a place to put my thoughts as I got to them.

Okay. ON TO THE NOTES!

I started with the links in your journal, just to have a good base to start from. Some things I thought were interesting:

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hearing_Voices_Movement

1. 70% of voice hearers reported that their voices had begun after a severe traumatic or intensely emotional event, such as an accident divorce or bereavement, sexual or physical abuse, love affairs, or pregnancy. In a recent study, Romme et al (1998) found that the onset of voice hearing amongst a 'patient' group was preceded by either a traumatic event or an event that activated the memory of an earlier trauma. High association with Abuse. These findings are being substantiated further in an on-going study with voice hearing amongst children (Escher, 2001)
2. Some people who hear voices, regardless of being able to cope with this or not, may have a burning need to construct a personal understanding for their experiences and to talk to other about it without being 'written off' as mad.

(I'll put all my comments in purple to make reading this whole long bunch of things easier. Okay, about #1: well, that makes sense to me. The brain is in charge of information, and the brain can be big time affected by both physical trauma and emotional trauma. If I drop my cell phone - which receives, interprets, and relays information, which is kind of what the brain does too - in water by accident, then it might work differently. Same if I goof with its insides.

SO! If the brain is a station for receiving, interpreting, and relaying information, and something happened to change how it does that, then it makes perfect sense for it to maybe begin picking up a different kind of signal.

About #2 - well, duh, that makes sense too. If something new is going on, yeah I'm going to want to figure it out. And yeah, I'm not going to want people going "yeah yeah, you're just crazy" while I'm doing it. :P

There was also this:
Organisation. The need to find meaning, arrive at some understanding and acceptance. The development of ways of coping and accommodating voices in everyday living. This task may take months or years and is marked by the attempt to enter into active negotiation with the voice(s).

Well, that makes sense too. Whenever there's something new, a person has to adjust a little. This was listed under the recovery stages section. Sooooo I would guess that the idea is to find a way to sort out what's going on and find a way to live amicably with this new other voice. Sort of like getting used to a roommate or something, I suppose. But it says "attempt to enter into active negotiation with the voice(s)," so I guess that means specifically trying to work with the voice. This is probably a dumb question, but have you tried talking back to the voice? I guess that depends on how she's communicating with you.

Then I wandered a little bit. I googled "telepathy" and "communicating with the dead" first, because like I said, when I was thinking about it earlier today those were two possibilities that came to mind.

Then there was this site, about some research done on Telepathy
http://www.themystica.com/mystica/articles/t/telepathy.html
Most often telepathy occurs spontaneously in incidents of crisis where a relative or friend has been injured or killed in an accident. An individual is aware of the danger to the other person from a distance. Such information seems to come in different forms as in thought fragments, like something is wrong; in dreams, visions, hallucinations, mental images, in clairaudience, or in words that pop into the mind. Often such information causes the person, the receiver, to change is course of action, such as changing his travel plans or daily schedule, or to just call or contact the other person.

and
During his 1930 ESP experiments J. B. Rhine also made some discoveries concerning telepathy: It was often difficult to determine whether information was communicated through telepathy, clairvoyance, or precognitive clairvoyance. He concluded that telepathy and clairvoyance were the same psychic function manifested in different ways. Also, telepathy is not affected by distance or obstacles between the sender and receiver.


and
Telepathy, like othe psychic phenomena, transcends time and space.

Hmmm. That's all really interesting. Seems like this is all about communication, regardless of time/location. And I keep seeing references to Big Events that seem to trigger it. Can you remember anything big happening that might have started this communication, Frank? Maybe something where you might have gotten a bump to the head, or maybe something that was kind of rough to go through? Like what I was talking about before, with the cell phone being dropped in water or something.

A wikipedia article about telepathy:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Telepathy

You know, I'm seeing a lot about these experiments, too, where a person draws or writes something, and it matches what another person was sending. That, along with some of the stuff from the hearing voices link, is kind of giving me an idea... I'll wait and put it at the end in the summary so if you're just skimming it's all in one place.

In seeking a scientific basis for telepathy, some psi proponents have looked to aspects of quantum theory as a possible explanation of telepathy. In general, psi theorists have made both general and specific analogies between the "unaccepted unknowns" of religion and parapsychology, and the "accepted unknowns" in the quantum sciences.

However, physicists state that quantum mechanical effects apply only to objects at sub-nanometer scales, and since the physical components of the mind are all much larger than this, these quantum effects must be negligible. Still, the true definition of what is "negligible" is perhaps unclear (see Quantum mind). Some physicists, such as Nick Herbert [3], have pondered whether quantum mechanical effects would permit forms of communication, perhaps including telepathy, that aren't dependent on "classical" mechanisms such as electromagnetic radiation. Experiments have been conducted (by scientists such as Gao Shen at the Institute of Quantum Physics in Beijing, China) to study whether quantum entanglements can be verified between human minds. Such experiments usually include monitoring for synchronous EEG patterns between two hypothetically "entangled" minds. Thus far, no conclusive evidence has been revealed.[4]

I just think that's really interesting, so I'm including it.

That's a lot of info, so I'll stop here and tell you what I think. (Because that's what blogs are for, right? Telling the world your opinion, WHETHER THEY CARE OR NOT! x) See, I'm jumping right into things here!)

Summary and Stuff
1) There seems to be a common thread through all of this stuff of "communication"
2) There seems to be a common thread of "figuring it out"
3) There seems to be a common thread of "something big happened"

SO. If I were going to give you advice, I'd say:

- keep writing in your journal about stuff. Writing stuff down is a really good way to sort things out, and it'll keep a record you can look back on later to notice stuff you might not have originally.

- try "talking back" to the voice, if you haven't already. Try to make the communication two-way, you know? Have a conversation kind of thing. Then maybe you can find out more about why you're hearing her and stuff.

- Maybe think about whether there's something big that happened that might have "flicked the switch" to begin hearing the voice. You don't have to share that, obviously, as maybe it's kind of private (if you want someone to talk to about it, though, I'd be glad to be an ear, but only if you want to) but just think about it. It might give you an idea of who the voice is and why you're hearing her.

Anyway. I hope some of that helps, Frank. I'm looking up more about communication with the dead right now and stuff. If you want me to look for anything specific, let me know! And maybe if you tell me more about how the voice talks to you and when and stuff, maybe I can find something more specifically useful.

Take care. :)

Your friend,
Violet

Another post

Hmmm. I really should write something more here than "hello," especially since I just babbled a whole bunch in someone's comments.

This is kind of weird, writing a journal entry for an audience. I guess it's sort of like an email to the world. Open letter to the planet, yeah? It's an interesting thought. I think sometimes about how different things are now than what they were before computers and internet. TV too I guess. Everyone's so easily connected now. It won't be long until everyone's able to simply think thoughts to their friends. Do you suppose that will make eavesdropping easier or more difficult?

It's funny that I'm starting this now, because I'm also thinking about making a vlog. I'm just going to be splattering myself all over the internet! Actually, the vlog thing came about the same way this did - I got interested in someone's online journal, and wanted to be able to respond, and maybe try it for myself. I don't know what all I'm going to talk about, but I always seem to wind up babbling so much, I'm sure I'll come up with something.

All this internet connectyness I've been exploring lately has me thinking about the human need for connection in general. I can't quite decide whether the technology brings us together more, or isolates us more. Some combination, I guess. I don't know. I'm just not very good at talking to people in real life, it seems like. Online it's okay; I like it. You can be very clear online, in text. There's time to get it right. You can backspace. In real life, it just comes out of your mouth and half the time you don't even hear what you said until a few minutes later, when you realize you've completely botched what you meant to say.

I don't know. I said I like communication, but maybe that's a fib. I'm not very good at it in real life. Online I babble away. Maybe I just like to fill up the space. Maybe I just like to think that it's okay to babble here.

Maybe it's just that it's harder to see when people are sick of me talking from behind a computer screen. Hee.


I guess in real life I'm mostly quiet. I look a lot, and I listen a lot, but somehow when I try to talk and join in, it just all goes wrong. It's like I can't... it's like if the whole world were on a trolley, and I'm running to catch up, but I just can't get at the right speed. So while everyone else leaps gracefully on board and gets their feet solidly beneath them, I'm... sort of clunking along, out of breath and trying to grab hold, and falling flat on my face and getting a nosebleed.

I like it online. I can pretend that I'm graceful too. I guess writing that out here in a blog sort of nulls the pretense, but... maybe that's alright. I don't know. Maybe somehow I have to find a way to make my real life self and my online self more... together. Maybe I have to learn to blur the edges.

Well. You see? I babble. Do you suppose that's what the B in Blog is for? Babble depository?

First post!

I've always kept a journal offline, and I like to write, and I like to communicate... so! Here I am!

Ummm let's see. My name's Violet, and I'm 26 years old. I'm not really sure what to tell you about myself yet; I don't feel like I'm very interesting. I'll have to think about it a little bit and write more about that later.

Mostly I just wanted to put something up here so my blog isn't blank. Hello everybody!